Peanut Butter and Jelly

This is my favorite group "Inside Out" and I cant get this song out of my head.. enjoy.. click on little blue arrow
cool eh?


Listen

Maybe I am a Donkey

I have always said I was a Republican. I've never even really known the fundamental difference between the two. In my Mormon mind one party was "bad" and the other "good"; like black and white, pretty and ugly, fat and skinny. I know one party is in favor of abortion and the other largely is pro-life. This is the premise by which I have based my political affiliation? I guess growing up LDS in Salt Lake City one need not be educated, but simply think and do what everyone else does.
Well I'll tell ya. I now have an Opinion about one thing. Big business, I am not sure what that title really entails but I am tired of large corporations making me settle for poor service and bad product. And this, I'm told is the fault of a Republican government. There is a flow chart in my mind that goes like this. Republican Government gives tax breaks to large corporations in the name of economic prosperity (and votes). Large corporations succeed. Large corporations stamp out the competition (I thought this was monopoly). Here's the kicker. Large corporations only have to produce as much service or product that keeps them in business.
Example: Large Fancy Grocery store (LFG) opens up near you. You try it out. You like it because they have the appropriate number of checkers and you don't wait in line. So... you go back. LFG succeeds due to your patronism and Government tax breaks. The place you used to go, goes out of business. LFG now scales down the service, you wait in line forever, prices go up (some) and there are under-developed little girls selling you raffle tickets in the doorway.
Thank you Republicans and Capitalism. So everywhere we go we suffer with the poor service and bad product. An MBA Student recently confided in me that this is actually the plan. "The market will dictate the amount of service they must provide, if you don't like it you can go somewhere else" he said. Well, the somewhere else went out of business and now I would have to drive clear across town. :( :( So I hate this system. What ever you call it. Or whom ever you want to blame it on. But now everywhere I go I see business owners getting away with "just enough" to keep them in business. The health care system is riddled with this mentality. Airlines. bah.. I am gonna stop now... at least this gets the tampon of the front page.

You can't make this stuff up!!!!

I have wanted to post this story for a few weeks. I have been lost in quandary over how best to tactfully write it; But, the story itself is devoid of tact. Can you write tampon on the Internet? Well, here goes.

I know a lady who teaches aerobics. One morning as she was in the midst of teaching a full class of cardiac fiends (including the principle at her daughters school and 3 male participants) at 0530 AM. The Accessory One Wears While Menstruating (AOWWM) became dislodged from its primary place of purpose. fortunately my friend was wearing long Capri style pants while she taught that morning. However as she could feel the AOWWM begin to move south down her pant leg, she decided she could no longer ignore it. Leaving her class in mid "grapevine-to-the-left", she said she'd be right back and ran across the gym to the door, down the stairs and to the restroom.

Once she made it to the restroom she couldn't find it. Right, she couldn't find it. The AOWWM wasn't in her pants. Where was it? She quickly re-traced her steps back to the gym. She had hoped the unsightly object would be found on a step or just outside the restroom. She made it all the way back to the gym where her class was dutifully engaged in the routine (as best they could remember) AND THERE IT WAS.

In the middle of the gym, in the middle of the class, on the floor; sat a bright red heme filled cotton bullet, with a tail. Easily mistaken for a little red mouse with a white tail, the class participants stayed perfectly instep with their head and eyes straight ahead. They pretended they didn't even see her as she walked nonchalantly to the item and picked it up. She quickly disposed of the item in a trash receptacle and went back to teaching the class.

When this story was told to me I was literally rolling on the floor laughing. And the funniest part to me was when she said, "none of this would have happened if I had just worn some panties". eh? no underwear? Well, I won't pretend to even have a clue as to why it's desirable to wear a thong or nothing at all when your a women (something about the wrinkles I gather) but.... there ya go.

By Way of Blog Bizzness

A Note

Dear Readership:
Welcome to my blog. I started my blog because I have things to say and stories to tell. Story telling is a long standing family tradition. We have tapes from generations past in which uncles and Aunts would tell stories of their childhood. My stories are all funny and some drastically embellished to some degree. But hey, If Dan Rather can do it I figure what the heck. As for the title "The Great Plan of Happiness" its really a reference that Mormons "get". It refers to the real meaning of all things; The, Why we're here, Where we are goingness of it all.
Its a Joke, its like taking a look at the nutty things in our life and saying "what if this is as good as it gets".
Anyway the things I write are just my opinions and my mother would like to add that she does not condone or endorse the things I write for public consumption.
A word about my spelling and grammar. We live in an age of lost arts. My favorite casualty is that being the art of spelling. I will say that most people can not spell.
Why do you think physicians have such bad handwriting. It is widely excepted that if you just put down the first 3 letters and scribble the rest everyone should get it.
with the advent of spell check I can blame any spelling errors on spell check and as for my punctuation lets face it. If I don't know what punctuation to use... here comes a semicolon.
OK then,, Ive said it. oh and by the way the comments are now set to anyone so anyone can post a comment but if you flame me I'll erase you
The Bull

I'm no wierdo... Promise

I am an awful passenger on an airplane. When I say awful I mean I'm afraid, very afraid. I'm certain that my ultimate demise will come in the form of falling out of a fuselage at 40 thousand feet and not in the form of a double bacon cheeseburger.
Today I was forced to fly from Lubbock Texas to Salt Lake City Utah. I have recently been using a self soothing tactic to make it through the flights without soiling myself. I have found that if I simply strike up a conversation with the pseudo-psychotherapist sitting next to me on every flight, we will talk and talk and before I know it the flight is over. This technique has been working fabulously until today. On the third leg of my travels I was late to get on the plane and ended up in the only seat available near the back of the plane next to two 13 year old girls.
As the plane began to taxi I knew I better think of something to talk to 2 adolescent girls about before the death trap took off. I felt quite awkward. Everyone knows that middle aged white men are not allowed to sit next to 13 year old girls let alone talk to them. I noticed that one of them had a french manicure only the part that is usually white was purple and glittery perfect conversation starter I thought. "no, that's lame" I thought. When the pilot said we were clear for take off I panicked and said " purple eh"? They both turned slowly to look at me "purple what"? "your nails, that's cute". ever heard the expression; Better to remain silent and thought a dirty old man than to speak up and remove all doubt. Isn't that how it goes?
I pondered my next move and finally decided to clarify just what I was doing. "I'm not a weirdo" I said. "I just like to talk to people so it makes the flight go faster". They were clearly unimpressed and unconvinced. We sat in silence mostly, occasionally they would through me a charity question; like, So are you from Salt Lake?, or How bout' them peanuts?
Long story short; When we got to Salt Lake and began to make our "initial descent". The pilot came on and said "there are some thick clouds so everyone get ready for a bumpy ride, attendants please secure the cabin for landing". The attendants did not even have time to find their seats when there was a huge bump and the pilot said in a strange staccato like rhythm " attendants take your seats". Just then the two attendants I could see, sat right down in the isle and held on to arm rests on both sides. It was like a drill they had practiced before, when they heard those words. So,, near pandemonium ensues, mostly from me of course. Seriously the plane was like all over the place. I knew this was the end. I was grasping for anything I could hold onto and basically freaking out. When the pilots regained controle of the plane the girls looked at me calmly and I could almost hear them say " yeah.... your no weirdo are you".